Friday, 9 September 2016

11 points that learnt the phrase 'well muggy' this summer

"Sous les pavés, la plage.”

Under the paving stone lies the beach

The cry from the French civil unrest of May 1968 states that beneath the veneer of modern society there is a natural freedom that can be buried, but never destroyed. Manchester United - like every other club - have been paving over their own heart and soul ever since the Premier League monster grabbed hold of English football. The marketing phenomenon, the brand, the commercial drive have all taken hold of the club in a way that though once unthinkable, is now unshakeable. Yet, something is stirring. Call me naive and impressionable (guilty) but somewhere within the beast, cracks of beauty are beginning to appear. Regardless of money, of marketing, of instagram feeds and shirt sales. Regardless of cringey, commercial partnerships and awkward global branding there is for the first time in a long time, a football team waiting to break out. In Mourinho himself there is a conservative manager desperate to release his own shackles and throw caution to the wind. The dressing room may be focused on image rights and social media - but it still has the ingredients of success. Youth, pace, experience, arrogance, confidence and desire. In the stands the fans will never recover the voice of yesteryear but they still kick every ball in every game. Not everyone is content with YouTube highlights and hashtags. The soul still exists within Manchester United. It has been hidden and buried for too long but it’s there. Now the first Manchester derby of the new era is upon us we are entitled to dream again. To demand a team that makes the hairs stand, that thrills and inspires. A team that never gives in. Nothing in life can ever be what it was. Our heads tell us that. But the soul will always remain. Dig deep enough and you will find it. Under the paving stone lies the beach.

2. “The fairy tale goes on!”

Martin Tyler, Sky Sports February 2016

If the Marcus Rashford story ended now it would still be worth telling. The 18 year old local lad who had yet to play for the reserves before scoring twice on his European debut, twice on his Premiership debut, once on England debut and then, just for kicks, a hat trick on his England under-21 debut. He also managed to play for England and not look like a complete twat. The boy can do no wrong. This alone is film-worthy. A feel-good BBC film in which you know all the actors but can’t name any of them. Yet this story is just beginning. Marcus Rashford was barely mentioned as a prospective talent at United. He wasn’t the next big thing. Surely it was a fluke - beginner’s luck that would run out eventually. But still he goes on. Off the bench at Hull for twenty scintillating minutes of direct attacking football that ended with a 93rd minute winner. This is a special talent. One who restores your faith in the game. He has directness, composure, skill, pace and temperament - every time he plays we see something new. Mourinho has done him a favour by taking him out of the limelight and letting Ibrahimovic rule the roost. But there's only so long he can hold him back. This is a golden time to watch Rashford. One day his form will drop. One day he’ll get old and the pace will go. But for now he knows nothing other than to be sensational. He is a star. But until now I haven’t been able to enjoy Rashford’s story. The fatalist in me was waiting for something to go wrong. Like seeing a deer in the woods, I didn’t want to make a sound. To crunch the leaves, snap a twig and see Rashford scuttle away would hurt too much. I didn’t want to stare, didn’t want to spook him - I was nervous to admit what I was seeing. But now I know. A pure talent. And a match winner. Long may the fairy tale continue.

3. Mistakes, mishaps, misfits

If you sign the wrong players you need lots of them. Which explains LVG’s disastrous transfer policy. Of all his signings (and I’m not counting Shaw or Herrera) only Martial and Blind featured significantly in August. The suspicion remains that Blind is merely keeping the seat warm for the next man. But still he’s doing better than most. Darmian, Schneiderlin, Memphis, Rojo and of course Schweinsteiger are nowhere near the first team. So much for value. There’s not a player among them. Yet the predicted ‘exodus’ never materialised. Did they become good players with a new manager? Unfortunately not. This is classic Mourinho. He’s been smart and, dare I say it, selfish. He’s kept these players for those horrendous Thursday night games (and in the unlikely event of an injury crisis). He’s played it safe. For Memphis to get significant football something awfully bad would have to happen to Anthony Martial (see point ten). Even then Ashley Young was ahead of him on the bench at Hull. Matteo Darmian is rumoured to have fallen out with the manager, while Schneiderlin isn’t even needed as Martial’s translator now Pogba’s here. Rojo - who as far as I can tell is 4th choice left back behind Shaw, Blind and Fosu Mensah - must have a deep, dark secret on Mourinho to still be at the club. Mourinho knows he doesn’t need these players. If he does something has gone badly wrong. But he also knows the Glazers will be peering over their glasses at the wage bill desperate for Jose to trim it. One of the biggest mistakes LVG made was getting rid of too many too soon. He decimated the squad and sapped the spirit from the dressing room. Jose has kept everyone together. But harmony can only last so long. If they don’t play they can’t stay.

4. Rock the Pogba

Value for money is one of the biggest misnomers in football. When clubs moan about what others spend it’s usually because they’re jealous or bitter, or both. We’ve been guilty of it, Wenger too and now Jurgen Klopp. But value is hard to define. If a player costs £30million is he expensive? Yes. But if he stays for ten years and wins 5 trophies is he good value? Yes. If a player costs half that but leaves after two years having achieved nothing is that good value? It might be cheap but it’s not cost effective. So at £86 million is Paul Pogba expensive? Yes. Reassuringly so. Because if I had to make a bold prediction I’d wager that, one day, Pogba will be seen as the best value signing Manchester United ever made.

5. Mourinho plays his part

There really is no better place to bask than in the warm glow of a happy Jose Mourinho. The man is in his element. The charm, the tailored suits, the light-hearted press conferences sprinkled with humour and deference - it’s all part of the script. And of course winning. Jose does winning very well. This is summertime for Jose. But as the seasons change the question is, will Jose? The optimists pray that within Jose Mourinho is a brilliant, progressive manager desperate to break free. That United is the stage he’s been craving. The cynics will point to his form at every club he’s ever been at. They’ll reference a destructive streak that has seen him go from champion to unemployed within a year three times in his career. Like a beautiful woman on a night out, how will he fare when the chablis starts to spill and the makeup cracks at midnight? Only time will tell which Jose Mourinho we’ll see at United. But so far he’s following the script. Charming press conferences? Check. Winning start? Check. Friends with everyone? Check. Vicious and spiteful fallout with press, owners and dressing room? Let’s wait and see.

6. “Mr. Jones and me...”

Mr. Jones, The Counting Crows

Anyone who remembers Phil Jones’s performances in the autumn of 2011 must allow themselves a wry smile. How astonishing he was, how easily it all came, what a future he had. The name ‘Duncan’ was mentioned, only partially in jest. How ridiculous we all look now. Even by the time Ferguson called him, “our best ever signing” it was clear Jones’s rise was not going to be as meteoric as hoped. What happened? Were our initial assessments wrong? Or did he just regress? Both? I have been wrong a thousand times about a player and will be so again. But none has been more misleading than Phil Jones. Brittle as a cracker and with all the defensive subtlety of a wasp in a jar Phil Jones chance has surely been and gone. He started one more Premiership game than Luke Shaw last season. Shaw broke his leg in September. It would not surprise me if Jones was in the manager’s office asking to leave this summer. If he can’t even make the bench when Smalling is unavailable then the writing's on the wall. In the song ‘Mr. Jones’ the singer croons, “Mr. Jones and me look into the future”. Whatever the future holds for Phil Jones it won’t be at Manchester United.

7. An apology

Dearest Zlatan,

I owe you an apology. For many years I saw you as a flat track bully, capable of a few fancy flicks and the odd goal here and there. I never really respected your achievements. I’d fallen into the classic ‘poncey foreigner’ trap and I deeply regret it. Until recently I had never studied your prodigious goal return, or your huge canon of work and large collection of medals. I’d seen you as a luxury. I could not have been more wrong. The pace may have gone but the presence is something we haven’t seen since Cantona. After Eric I thought I’d never love again. I may just have been wrong.

Yours,

Lots and lots of United fans

8. “The winner is the loser who evaluates defeat properly.”

Brother Colm O'Connell AKA the Godfather of Kenyan running

Jose Mourinho has done what Moyes and LVG spectacularly failed to do: address the key shortcomings of the squad. The dire need for a centre half, a top central midfielder and a great striker have been apparent for years. Moyes refusal to sign any while extending Wayne Rooney’s stay at the club by another 5 years was a double whammy. Van Gaal’s bizarre approach to transfers saw us enter last season with no strikers and a reliance on Bastian Schweinsteiger, who hadn’t been fit for 3 years. Mourinho saw things differently. The four weak spots of the squad were immediately addressed. Overnight we have become a totally different side. Not with dozens of signings, but with four. For the first time since Ferguson we have a manager who values the core more than any other aspect of the side. If there’s a hole it’s the lack of experience at centre half. But through the spine of the team we are as strong now as at any time post-Ronaldo. It’s exciting. But it’s not a fluke. Jose Mourinho has been analysing and preparing for this job since the new year. He needed to hit the ground running. Evaluating all the things that have gone wrong since Ferguson have helped him do just that.

9. In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king

Mourinho has been wholly transparent about his need for a leader at the back. Unable to find one in the transfer market he seems to have stumbled upon his man by chance: Daley Blind. Word was that Jose wasn’t particularly keen on Blind at centre half. Yet three games into the season there he is. The rock at the back, holding it all together. Yes, Bailly has been the team’s standout performer. But it’s been Blind’s savvy leadership that has kept the back four together. He may not be the long term solution - he will always come undone against physical, direct sides - but with Jose clearly not a Smalldini convert and Jones firmly on the shelf, he’s realised that Daley Blind is more than just a (very) pretty face.

10. “It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

Alice in Wonderland

When Louis Van Gaal approached Memphis Depay about a move to Manchester United the sales pitch must have been very clear. Come to United, a club that values wide players, that backs raw talents; a place where the great Ronaldo transitioned from rough diamond to crown prince. This was Memphis’s stage. Here he was going to become an international star. And Memphis will have been promised the earth. Game time won’t be a problem, he’ll have been told. Imagine then his surprise when, on the penultimate day of the same transfer window, he discovered that United had just bought another right-footed left-sided forward. But this was one was even younger, even more expensive and, dare I say it, even better than Memphis. Memphis had just been screwed. Memphis needs games. But as long as Anthony Martial (and now Marcus Rashford) are at the club he will struggle to get them. Never say never, but Memphis’s days at United looked over before they began. I hope I’m wrong (I often am) but it looks a long way back up the rabbit hole for Memphis.

11. The curious incident of Adnan Januzaj

One of the main challenges as a fan is being able to remain calm in the face of extreme giddiness. The impact of Marcus Rashford, the winning start under Jose and the talismanic qualities of Zlatan Ibrahimovic have aroused such excitement that, frankly, it’s hard to keep a lid on it. I’d do well to remember the derby is only the fourth competitive game of the season. I know that. I could blame the media, but I can wind myself up thank you very much. But bubbles can burst. And nothing deflated quicker than Adnan Januzaj’s career. The exciting 16 year old was due an outing in Ferguson’s last ever game (West Bromwich Albion, May 2013). Only a shock injury to Jonny Evans put paid to that. The following season David Moyes (christ did that really happen?) gave Adnan his chance and the boy took it. With wonderful balance and poise he glided past players. No one knew if he was quick. He was elusive. Untouchable. Or so we thought. Adnan was the sole bright spot of an otherwise dismal season. Then the worst thing that could happen happened. He signed a new contract. A contract far in excess of what his achievements merited. To use a footballing idiom, “his head went”. Gone were the silky runs, the work rate, the consistency. In its place remained a surliness and attitude that have troubled every manager since. Too much too soon. When Ryan Giggs personally handed him the number eleven shirt his destiny seemed written. The heir to the fortune. Within two years Anthony Martial has taken his shirt while Adnan acquaints himself with rather the less salubrious surroundings in Sunderland, albeit it with a familiar manager. Things change very quickly in football. Adnan was a dead cert. Now he’s behind Jesse Lingard. It goes to show that no one can predict the future. It’s also a reminder of how lucky we were to have our previous number eleven for so long. As the curious incident of Adnan Januzaj shows, we’ll never see the likes of Ryan Giggs again.

Thursday, 7 January 2016

Eric Cantona: The Leader of our Football Team

Imagine painting the Sistine Chapel under sniper fire.

Or composing Beethoven’s tenth symphony in a hurricane.

Because that’s what Eric Cantona did on a typically cold and fearsome night in Sheffield, January 1995.

The King was the King because he did what he wanted. He did it with style and, most importantly, he did it when it mattered. Cantona triggered a generation of Mancunian man-love and mention his name to anyone over 25 and you’ll understand the impact he had on this country. See a man with a collar up – he’s doing an Eric. Stop and meaningfully stare into a non-existent camera, utter some vaguely philosophical mutterings – you’re doing an Eric.

The King.

There is no doubt that Cantona’s most iconic goal is the chip against Sunderland, 1997. His “I am not a man – I am Cantona”* celebration became his defining image when he announced his retirement a few months later.

But I didn’t like that goal. I mean I did like it, but I didn’t love it. That wasn’t Eric at his peak. That was merely a parting gift before he left for pastures new.

The goal in the FA Cup two years previously at Sheffield United – now that was a man at the peak of his powers. A man who was king of all he surveyed.

If you’ve ever been to Bramall Lane you’ll know it to be not the most hospitable of places for opposing fans and players. And after 90 minutes of a typically robust (and by robust I mean filthy) cup game, the grass was cut to shreds and the wind was swirling round the stadium, pounding the pitch at ground level. And then United broke. Hughes, to Giggs, to Cantona in the blink of an eye.

Cue magic stage right.

For no real reason (he could have advanced with it, he could have taken another touch, tested the keeper) Cantona decided to float the ball over Alan Kelly and in off the bar.

A chip is a chip. Players chip the keeper every now and then. But usually the keeper is noticeably off his line. Alan Kelly wasn’t. Eric didn’t care – he did what he wanted. But usually, players might not try the chip if there’s a gale force wind a-blowing. Not Eric. He just floated the ball, into the eye of the storm, off the bar, bringing it to rest in the back of the net. Watch the debris swirl across the pitch as he celebrates. Gale force wind? So what.

Two weeks later Cantona was caught up in rather a different kind of storm. You know, the kind that involves assaulting a xenophobic fan and getting a ten month suspension as a result?

But like I said, Eric did what he wanted. And he never, ever disappointed.

*Straight from the man himself in Looking For Eric.

Friday, 16 October 2015

11 points that have been really busy watching boxsets and stuff

“I survived a gunshot wound. What are the odds on that?, big picture wise I am up, way up.”

Tony Soprano, The Sopranos

Manchester United is a curious thing. On the one hand thriving and affluent, on the other stale and stagnant. Simultaneously weighed down by history and buoyed by the prospect of a bright future. The question is, when will these two worlds collide? When will the future we are continually promised by Woodward et al actually, you know, happen? In other words, when will we get good again? Because it will happen. History demands it. (Plus we’re spending loads of money so it should be a lot easier than when we were trying to win the league with Obertan.) Ferguson leaving was our gunshot wound. We were arrogant enough to think that we could just move seamlessly from one manager to the next. We were so wrong. Moyes came, Moyes went We were on our knees. A powerhouse bereft of confidence, with a demotivated squad, questioning life without Ferguson. We didn’t want to admit it but we required major surgery. Change was needed. Enter Louis Van Gaal. I love this man. Not for his tactics, nor for his style of football and certainly not for his team selection or substitutions. And I definitely do not love getting battered by Arsenal (Bergkamp. Dennis. Statue. Wow.). I love him because he’s brave enough to do what very few managers would have been prepared to do. Namely, to take everything Ferguson built, tear it up and start again. Since he arrived he has sold over twenty first-teamers. He has ripped up the training pitches (literally) and identified the chronic lack of talent in our youth teams. This summer was the first a manager had been in charge at United for twelve months. Our work wasn’t perfect. But it was good. Not title winning good...but it was a start. Some days I find myself wandering the streets wondering what the hell Van Gaal is playing at. I kick a loose stone, hands in pocket and harrumph. Blind at centre half? Really? Young at left back? At Arsenal? Eh? Arsenal have a statue of Dennis Bergkamp because he scored a hat trick against Leicester? Really? Sometimes life doesn’t make sense. In this post-Ferguson world nothing makes sense. If you lose yourself in the detail you’ll drive yourself mad. So I’ve learnt to just roll with it. To chill. Because when I take a step back, come in from the cold, and look myself in the mirror I realise, big picture wise we are up. Way up.

Dave stays (until July)

To anyone with eyes it was clear around April that Spanish Dave had his heart set on a move back to Madrid. His performance levels - that had been extraordinarily high - dropped around the Everton game, culminating in an ‘injury’ and a grand farewell at Old Trafford. No one could be disappointed with David De Gea. From the skin and bones teenager that flapped under every cross, to a cool, calm and collected match winner he has grown into the role of the world’s best goalkeeper. He endured abuse from the media that no teenage footballer should. Gary Neville spent 10 minutes on Sky dissecting his performance at White Hart Lane (Jan 2013) and told the world that “Vidic isn’t staring at him because he fancies him”. It was too much. As a keeper there is nowhere to hide. It’s all or nothing. But heaven forbid a young goalkeeper should make a mistake. The scrutiny on him was too intense. But Ferguson stuck with him and De Gea’s career had its tipping point, ironically, in the Bernabeu. Hs fingertip save from Fabio Coentrao after 7 minutes remains one of the greatest. His performance justified Ferguson’s pre-match claims that the boy “had become a man”. So when Madrid came calling it was hardly a surprise. But though he grew up in Illescas, Madrid, could De Gea resist the temptation to move home? No. And though it was logical, it was still disappointing. No one can be bitter towards De Gea but it’s OK to be slightly miffed. When Ronaldo left to fulfil his Madrid dream he did so a world player of the year and on the back of a second European cup final. He couldn’t have given us more. De Gea could. One title isn’t enough. He should be determined to leave United a multiple champion. He should be looking to conquer the Premier League and then take La Liga in his stride. Naive I may be, but that’s what I’d expect. And before we fall over backwards to accommodate Madrid it’s worth having an envious look across town and ask ourselves why Sergio Aguero and David Silva aren’t banging on the door to move back to Spain. The truth is they’re incredibly well paid, they’re challenging for titles and they may just have realised that Manchester isn’t such a bad place after all. If only someone could convince De Gea of this. Because the speed at which his contract was signed and the muted quotes that followed its announcement suggest to me a very agreeable buyout clause. So agreeable in fact, it may already have been agreed. Expect to see David De Gea in a Madrid shirt by July 1, 2016.

No full back option

If you’d told me a few months ago Luke Shaw would be our most exciting player I’d have laughed. If you’d told me 4 weeks ago that we’d lose Shaw to injury I’d have burst into tears. Funny game football. But not funny haha. Shaw arrived at United around the same time as his critics. “For all that money shouldn’t he be doing a lot better a lot quicker?”, was the general consensus. Forget the fact that he was 19, he’d just been made the world’s most expensive teenager and forget that he’d gone from the quiet life on the coast to Man United. Shaw was expected to fly - and i mean that literally. When he proved to be a mere mortal who needed a bit of time (and tough love) to adjust the knives came out. But he earns lots of money! He should be better than Pele! Well he wasn’t. Fast forward twelve months and with a strong pre-season behind Shaw came back a new man. From the first minute of pre-season you could see the player we had on our hands. And then it was gone. This is football. Everyone gets injuries - it’s the manager’s job to build a squad capable of coping. LVG will claim he’s done that but the stats suggest otherwise. Since Shaw got injured United have conceded 8 goals in 5 games (excluding Ipswich). With him we’d conceded 2 in the previous 6. That left side of defence that previously had looked so solid has become exposed. Blind looks like a rabbit in the headlights, glancing over his shoulder hoping to see Shaw covering round. But, like the wind, he’s gone. A combination of Darmian, Young (uch) and Rojo stand there in his stead. It isn’t pretty. And it’s why Graziano Pelle, Sadio Mane, Julian Draxler and pretty much every Arsenal player have had their fill against us in recent weeks. It says a lot when I’m pleading with LVG to reinstate Phil Jones to the defence. He must dive back into the transfer market in January. He has no full back option.

“Gentlemen, we have run out of money; now we have to think.”

Winston Churchill

It is very tempting to view the transfer window as the solution to all your team’s problems. “When the window opens…” goes the prefix to a lot of broken dreams. The good teams use the window to top up and refine what they already have. The more desperate binge hoping to find salvation at the end of an agent’s mobile phone. United found a happy medium this summer. For every player that came in, 1.5 went out. Van Gaal has spent 15 months getting rid of the players that didn’t want to be there (I include Hernandez and Welbeck in that. Anyone who was at MK Dons last year will have seen the two of them with faces like slapped arses) and bringing in players that do (ahem Di Maria say whaaaat?). That is well and good. But there has to come a point where we focus on what we have instead of what we don’t have. At the moment United are endlessly chasing that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. ‘Next summer we’ll sign Bale’. ‘The summer after Ronaldo will come back’. We’d do better to take stock of what we do have and make it work. That is the biggest challenge facing LVG. Last year we knew we were desperately lacking in all areas. This season, a year in and after a full summer transfer window behind him, LVG will be determined to prove that he is more than a “cheque book manager”.

RVP yeah you know me

Has a Premier League’s star fallen as quickly as Robin Van Persie’s? One minute he’s winning player of the year, sealing the title for Man United, scoring goals and looking every inch an all time great. The next he’s on the bench at Fenerbahce. Nobody mourned him. Nobody even mentioned him. Oh shooting star, how near yet how far. Van Persie’s impact at United was Cantona-esque. In the 2011/12 season United did not win a single league game in which they were behind. For a team renowned for comebacks and impossible dreams this was unheard of. We lacked magic. We lacked quality. We bought Van Persie. His first season (and Ferguson’s last) was almost parodic. Comebacks happened week in week out. In his second full appearance he scored a hat trick that included an injury time winner at Southampton. There was a winner at Anfield, at City and a goal at Chelsea all before Christmas. United won all three fixtures for the first time in a hundred years. When his free kick flew via Samir Nasri’s foot into the bottom corner at the Etihad the title was all but done. The messiah had returned. Could he carry us post Ferguson? No. He was not a Moyes fan. He could be forgiven that. But surely Van Gaal would reignite Van Persie’s career, just as he had done at international level? Alas, no. It may not make much sense but the signs were there. Van Persie’s four World Cup goals (including his superman impression) masked his toiling performances. The spark was gone. As the tournament progressed he became less and less effective. Netherlands instead relied on solid foundations and Arjen Robben. A late start to the season didn’t help Van Persie and but for a brief flirtation over Christmas, Oh Robin Van Persie never returned. In his place was the much less fun Robin Van Persie. The goals dried up with a missed penalty home to West Brom epitomising his troubles. Oh how the mighty had fallen. And oh how ruthless Van Gaal was. His international captain turned to ash in the time it took him to miss a sitter at Villa. And just like that he was gone. Out of the side, out of England and off to Turkey without so much as a public thank you from the official United Twitter feed. How will history judge Van Persie? A world class striker among the very best from 2009-2013? Or a surly, injury prone moody wotsit capable of the utmost quality when the mood took? Probably somewhere in between. And though the departure was ignominious I’ll never forget those few glorious months in the winter of 2012. Oh Robin Van Persie.

“Very good – get off!”

Morecambe & Wise

It happens so often that your best performance is followed by your worst. Rio Ferdinand was in the Premier League team of the season for 2012/13. Within six months his career was all but finished. John Terry was touted the league’s best defender last season. He’s watched this year from the bench. Michael Carrick, winner of the unofficial Denis Irwin most underrated player award 8 years running may well have reached the end of the line. Last season was Carrick’s most influential. Our win rate with him was over 70%. Without him it was below 40%. His performance against Manchester City at Old Trafford (and at the Etihad when he came off the bench to play centre half) was immense. Here was a player at the peak of his game. But once you reach the peak it can only ever be downhill. And so it’s proven this year. Carrick has looked a shadow of his former self. His body language towards Schneiderlin shows an old dog being asked to perform new tricks. It also suggests he’s not entirely comfortable being one of two deep lying midfielders. Carrick turns 35 in July. He’s been a wonderful player for Manchester United, but this year may be one too many. Alas poor Carrick, I knew him well.

“What can the England of 1940 have in common with the England of 1840? But then, what have you in common with the child of five whose photograph your mother keeps on the mantelpiece? Nothing, except that you happen to be the same person.”

George Orwell

Orwell had a knack for destroying nostalgia and sentimentality. But he was right. We grow up, we change, we reconfigure over time to the point when the child of five in the photograph is gone. It may be depressing, but it’s life. It’s so inevitable it’s not worth debating. And yet we do. When it comes to Wayne Rooney we debate endlessly the hows and whys. How has it come to this? Why has he regressed so much? The fiery, brilliant player of his youth has been replaced by a listless beast of burden. Not so much pale imitation as pure parody. It is beyond argument that he is hindering the development of this new United side. Yet still there are people out there who fight his corner. Rooney has had a career that will stand the test of time. But that he is no longer the same player as he was ten years ago is not in doubt. And no sugar coated BBC documentaries should persuade fans otherwise. The Wayne Rooney we see today may be the same person we saw in 2005, but he’s not the same player.

“What happened to Gary Cooper? The strong, silent type.”

Tony Soprano

I’m all for progress. And I understand trends and fashions. But it’s gone too far. The constant need for self expression, the need to be noticed all the time...it’s pitiful. The need to be seen to be saying the right thing and expressing sympathy and showing the world what a great life you’re having - it’s too much. When Luke Shaw broke his leg, the world exploded in sympathy. Of course, I sympathised, but this is football. Unfortunately, injuries happen. But the outpouring of emotion on Twitter was vomit inducing. If you know Luke Shaw pick up the phone and call him. If you don’t, well maybe keep it to yourself. If I thought this outpouring was genuine I’d be OK with it. But it’s just part of the need to be seen and heard. I see it in sportsmen all the time. When something goes against them we see a rueful, ironic smile. A smile that says ‘I’m not losing control, I’m totally in charge of my emotions here and nothing can shake my unrelenting sense of confidence.’ I absolutely hate that. A decision goes against you and you smile at the ref. You miss a chance and you smile. What’s wrong with you? I remember Sheringham’s debut. He missed a penalty in front of a hateful Spurs crowd. They were baying for blood and they got it. He didn’t smile. He had a face like thunder. A face of murder. A face that said “I am absolutely fuming”. It wasn’t about ‘I’d better show the world I’m not that bothered’, it was a primal, instinctive response - that’s what football should be. That’s what sport should be. The smiling and preening Aussie cricketers who sneered every time an umpire decision went against them - it was unbearable. I want to see players that care. I want to see them keep their emotions in check, play with an even temperament but when something has gone wrong i want to see them fume. I want them to reveal their real emotions. On the pitch I want snarling warriors who occasionally cross the line. Off it I want the strong, silent type. Because they win you titles.

Lend me your ear

A question. I’m no good with the maths but when it comes to the ratio ‘great song / terrible player’, can anybody ever better Radamel Falcao? Like ever? Has anybody inspired such an infectious melody from the terraces while being so hideously awful on the pitch? I think not. John O’Shea might not like it but Radamel, I’m awarding you the title of ‘best song/ worst player’ in the history of football. Good luck Chelsea!

10.

Back of the net spend

Some extremely rough figures for you. This summer Manchester United spent £96million on players. They received £70.5 million in transfer fees. Had the De Gea deal gone through as planned that total would have increased to £85 million (accounting for the incoming Keylor Navas). Off the wage bill went Van Persie, Di Maria, Falcao, Nani and Januzaj – without question five of the biggest earners at the club. I am not your man for financial analysis, my grasp of the figures is rough at best. But those numbers do not add up to the ambition of becoming Europe’s premier side any time soon.

11.

Is Ryan Giggs

When Angel Di Maria was given the number 7 shirt it felt a return to the old days were upon us. With Di Maria on one side and Adnan Januzaj (adorning the number eleven shirt on the other flank) the world was our oyster. A very wide oyster with speed and skill that would terrorise the rest of...errr...all the other oysters. Ahem. But oh how quickly things change. Angel Di Maria is now in Paris and Januzaj has taken up semi-permanent residence on the Borussia Dortmund bench. Where did it all go wrong? In their stead are Memphis (Ashley Young seemingly persona non grata with the left wing) and Juan Mata. Mata may be the current United player of the month (quite the accolade) but a flying winger he is not. Memphis has the attributes but not the experience. We are a long way from the Giggs and Kanchelskis/ Beckham/ Ronaldo balance that we grew so accustomed to. You could argue that Van Gaal wants to play a different way, that he’s not bothered about flying wingers. But the failed pursuit of Pedro, the imaginary one of Sadio Mane and the constant one of Gareth Bale suggests otherwise. Mata may be the current flavour of the month, but he won’t be in the team this time next year.

Friday, 9 January 2015

11 points that love you all

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”

John Milton, Paradise Lost.

It’s tough going writing about United these days. We are in ‘transition’ after all. A wait and see phase that is to be played out over the course of the next 18 months. Phase one is ‘come in the top four’ to ensure UCL football and persuade sponsors, agents and players that last year really was just a one-off. Phase two is challenge for the title. Phase three is called heaven. If last year was hell, this year is purgatory. And it’s a lot more painful than it’s credited with. I am impatient. I have no time to wait around for us to get good again. The one step forward, two steps back routine has already worn thin. On the back of six straight victories we at least looked ready to consolidate third place, if not make a totally unmerited charge at the top. But three soporific draws over Christmas mean that Southampton go ahead of us if they beat us on Sunday. I suppose this is what ‘top four’ is all about. You can get away with being a bit shit. I don’t like it. I certainly don’t blame LVG for it. He’s building from the ground up and can only work with what he’s got. But I can’t help but feel that a little more imagination in the summer transfer window, a couple less injuries and a few more back fours would have us challenging at the top sooner than we’d anticipated. That isn’t to say we’re as good as Chelsea or City because we’re not (yet). But we could still beat them. Those three away draws made me understand why Arsenal fans are tearing their hair out. Coming ‘top four’ just isn’t fun. And isn’t that what all this is supposed to be about? Defeat isn’t enjoyable, but a draw is just a waste of everyone’s time. It’s so un-us. The ever-positive fans point to the side moving in the right direction. “Think where we’ll be in a year”, they clamour. And they’re right. But there is another way of looking at it. We still average less than two points a game and have invited Arsenal, Spurs, Southampton and to a lesser extent Liverpool back into the top four fight. One win in four or unbeaten in eleven - it's totally up to you. But without question we can do better - and we must. Unless we improve we’ll forever remain in footballing purgatory. No one wants a repeat of last year’s trip to hell but it’s up to LVG to take us back where we belong: heaven.

2. The youth of ~~today~~ yesterday

When United sold Danny Welbeck and Tom Cleverley, the world was up in arms. What about the famous MUFC academy? All these rotten foreigners…they’ve lost their identity. Of course, it simply wasn’t true. The primary requirement to play for MUFC is that you have to be good enough. There is an onus on the club to produce young, local talent because it’s cheaper than the alternative. From a sporting perspective, seeing a young talent fly through the ranks and up into the first team is exhilarating. That connection between player and club is something money can’t buy. But if they’re not good enough, they’re not good enough. I don’t remember anyone up in arms when Fergie let Gibson go to Everton – and he is/ was a better player than Cleverley. Danny Welbeck asked to leave on several occasions and the conversation should have ended there. But the media would have us believe we were selling our soul. The fact he has scored 4 goals in 15 PL appearances for Arsenal is neither here nor there – he wanted to leave. Yet, behind the scenes, unmentioned by the press who seemed to care so much about United’s ‘identity’, LVG has been chipping away at our under 21s – many of whom were on the verge of the first team. Adnan Januzaj can’t get a kick while Michael Keane has been sold to Burnley. Tom Lawrence departed on deadline day without so much as a whisper. Forget Cleverley and Welbeck, these are the prospects whose careers have gone in very different directions under the new manager. Lawrence was highly rated by Ferguson. Giggs gave him his debut against Hull to prove it. Michael Keane was very close to getting the nod at Southampton on the last day of the season. Yes Van Gaal gave him his debut, but also his P45 just as quickly. Our manager is obviously not afraid to rely on youth hence the supporting roles handed to Blackett, McNair and Wilson this season. But these players feel more like the Fergie Fledglings than the Class of 92 (a short term answer to a long term injury crisis). And that’s fine. Because Louis Van Gaal is a far better judge of talent than either David Moyes or myself. But with another assault on the transfer market coming in the summer and the whispers growing that he’s not sold on Januzaj, one does start to wonder: whatever happened to giving youth a chance?

3. Time to look out for number one

You’ve got to love LVG. Valdes has been training with United for the best part of 3 months yet any time LVG has been asked about it his response makes the journalist in question feel two foot tall. “What if Liverpool offer him a contract?” he was asked. “Then he goes to Liverpool. And what?” was his response. There were no further questions on Valdes. But the truth is Valdes was a total no-brainer for LVG. As noted previously the keeper situation at United is ridiculous. We have a young Spaniard (possibly) running down his contract in the form of his life, and on Madrid’s wish-list. In reserve we have Anders Lindegaard (who’s never been close to good enough) and two youngsters, Ben Amos and Sam Johnstone. Now compare that with Courtois and Cech at Chelsea, or Hart and Caballero down the road. Whatever De Gea decides to do regarding his future United are absolutely right to snap up a world class goalkeeper on a free transfer. Liverpool must be feeling sick right now. Worst case scenario – De Gea's form continues and he signs a new contract, Valdes barely gets a sniff and leaves in 18 months time. Or De Gea ups and leaves in the summer and we don’t have to spend the summer desperately trying to sign a keeper (Tim Krul). It’s a win-win. For years we’ve settled for second best in the transfer market. It’s about time we put number one first.

4. The Long Goodbye

Steven Gerrard. The gift that keeps on giving. First of all I’ll deal with the greatest Premier league player nonsense. To be judged against the best you have to be competing for the top prizes in the best teams, year on year. The immense pressure that comes with being the best, of standing out among other world class players cannot be replicated playing for a team barely challenging. Did Matt Le Tissier do great things? Yes. Was he a great player? No. Could Gerrard have done it at the top? Probably. Did he? No. I understand Liverpool worshipping him, but they ought to be distraught at how it’s been handled. When Ferguson retired he was furious that the news was leaked. His plan was to announce it after the Swansea game (last home game) and be done with it. Ferguson is no martyr. Everyone likes to hear nice things about themselves as they go out in a blaze of glory. He has an ego but he is not an egotist. No one man is bigger than the club. Ferguson got rid of Beckham because he felt his circus was detracting from the team. Scholes slipped out once with a wave, came back unannounced (not even the players knew), then left out the back door for a second time. Not even Ryan Giggs got a long goodbye. But that has always been our strength. The second one person thinks they’re bigger than the club they’re gone. Roy Keane has recently made a big song and dance about his fallout with United. The truth was he wasn’t good enough anymore. He didn’t want to walk so he was pushed. Gary Neville quit at half-time away at West Brom – he didn’t need to wait for a round of applause to know he was finished. When Vidic announced his departure having signed a pre-contract with Inter Milan there were plenty of reds (myself included) who felt let down. Maybe he was unhappy with management, maybe he accepted he couldn’t do it at the top anymore – either way he should have kept the news quiet. Heroes come and go. That is the nature of football. There will always be someone to worship and at a club like United we’re lucky to always have more than our fair share. Warm welcomes and fond goodbyes are all well and good – but it’s what they do during their stay that counts.

5. Evans knows I’m miserable now

Excuse the pun. It just came to me (I’ve obviously had it in my head for about three months but will keep that to myself). Just when it looks like a player has cracked it, he goes and proves you wrong. Jonny Evans had his critics when he broke into the side. Was he quick enough? Could he dominate in the air? When Carlton Cole destroyed him one snowy night at Upton Park it looked as though the answers to both questions were, ‘nope’. But then something happened. Vidic tore his cruciate and Jonny stepped up, leading us to within a fatter Paddy Kenny of the title. When Chris Smalling lost Vincent Kompany from a corner at Eastlands reds all over lamented Jonny Evans’ latest injury. That seems a long time ago now. One of the best performers in Ferguson’s final triumphant season, Jonny’s stock has plummeted. Moyes (remember him?) didn’t trust him from day one – giving him his first start of the season in a Carling Cup game in mid-September. Van Gaal took a shine to him in pre-season until, shock, he got injured. He came back into the side only to do something to his ankle at Leicester. Maybe he did it watching Ulloa head the ball into the net from a few yards away. Evans should have beaten him to that ball. And that’s the problem with Jonny Evans. Now 27, whenever he has the opportunity to disappoint, he doesn’t let you down. His performance at MK Dons was put down to rustiness. Yet we saw exactly the same performance at Leicester and more recently at Stoke when only Mame Biram Diouf’s sense of loyalty to his former employers let Evans off. LVG likes the fact Evans is two footed, yet anyone who saw his left footed shank off the pitch at White Hart Lane (and my subsequent collapse into hysterics) will question that. Van Gaal subbed him in that game because he was ‘tired’. How long until it’s the other way round and Van Gaal is tired of Evans?

6. RVP – yeah you know me

For the plebs among us, it’s tempting to laugh at the issues of the rich and famous. What super car should I buy? Which exotic holiday destination should I visit this month? These aren’t real problems. Yet the greater the riches, the bigger the trouble. Or to put it another way, “mo’ money mo’ problems.” Having both RVP and Falcao should be a dream – but it’s fast turning into one of those weird ‘wow I have too much money’ scenarios. Two international strikers of fearsome repute, both natural goalscorers - though with totally differing styles - we’re lucky to be able to call on them both. But as the Southampton game approaches (and ADM nears full fitness) LVG is, for the first time, faced with a truly big decision. RVP or Radamel? Of course he could fudge it and drop Mata. Or he could change formation to accommodate them all. Either way this is one of those ‘good problems’ that managers like to have. At least they say they do but really it must be a nightmare. No one likes rejection and millionaire footballers have ways of letting the world know about it. But still that’s why LVG gets paid the big bucks. In all honesty – bar a couple of games – RVP has not looked right since SAF left. That’s nothing to do with fitness. It’s do with the shape of the team and the job he’s been asked to do. Under Ferguson he was surrounded with width and energy. Under Moyes he was up front with Rooney - when fit. For Holland he was paired with Robben. They looked electric against Spain but in truth RVP never fully looked comfortable in that formation. At St. Mary’s it looked like the tide had turned but then Falcao returned and RVP’s touch deserted him yet again. He reminds me of Van Nistelrooy in his final season. Saying all the right things, scoring (just about) enough goals, but something’s missing. It’s all too functional. The team is evolving and you wonder whether a 32-year-old centre forward has it in him to adapt. Now, I’m not saying Falcao is the answer - I remain unconvinced (apart from on his hair which is wonderful) - but for LVG it’s a delicate situation. It’s as though he has been given the eye by two good looking girls at the bar. If he moves on one, he’d better hope he read the signals right. Because no one likes being second choice.

7. “Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.”

Sun Tzu

Under Sir Alex Ferguson, when United came to town, our opponents readied themselves for the inevitable. Defeat was on its way. In truth, they were often beaten before it the game began. The best always have a psychological hold over their opponents and they know how to use it. They sense fear and they smell blood. The best don’t even need to be at their best to win on ‘foreign soil’. They thrive in adversity, knowing what it takes to go into the lion’s den and come back with the spoils. My fondest United victories are always away from home. Arsenal in the European Cup semi final, Chelsea in the quarters. Wins at Eastland / Maine Road will never leave me (not that we’ve had that many recently) and, of course, victory at Anfield is better than sex (so I hear). Any who witnessed these games saw courage, determination, focus and, of course, skill. Qualities so far lacking in this United side. The changes at the club in the past eighteen months revealed a chink in our armour. Teams have begun to believe. David Moyes welcomingly opened the door to Old Trafford last season, handing the keys to opposing managers willy-nilly. Swansea, West Brom, Everton, Newcastle, Spurs and Sunderland all recorded victories at the Theatre of Dreams last year – not to mention Liverpool and City. Under LVG the home form has improved drastically. United have only dropped five points at Old Trafford this season. But away from home the problem remains. Taking three points from trips to Spurs, Villa and Stoke is nowhere near good enough. But what’s worse is, aside from the first half against a truly poor Spurs side, we have barely created a chance. Draws at Burnley and Sunderland so early in Van Gaal’s tenure could be excused while defeat at City was no disgrace in the circumstances (yuck). But even in victory at Arsenal, Southampton and Yeovil the enemy was never truly vanquished. The winner’s have the right to write history as they see fit, but those performances were way below par. A top team chases a game away from home with style, panache and a sheer-bloody mindedness that causes the opponent to wither and die. A great team has won before it’s even begun.

8. Something I never thought I say

We’ve missed Marouane. He’s still not good at football - which is an issue for a professional footballer – but he’s more good than he was last year. Well done LVG. Fuck off Moyes.

9. Time to redress the balance

“When you look at the squad, there is quality…There are a lot of players that can play in the same position. It is not in balance. It’s more difficult to succeed in a difficult situation than in a fantastic situation.”

LVG, July 2014.

This comment stuck in my head. He was totally right. One year under moyes and the squad had all the balance of a wobbly jenga tower. And even with the unprecedented transfer activity in the summer, the squad still looks lopsided. Not enough wide players (see below), hardly any full backs, no goalscoring midfielders (does Rooney count?) – where did it all go wrong? I It must be a nightmare for Van Gaal. Every time he picks the team he’s having to shuffle the deck. Signing Mata and Fellaini set us back a long way. Plus he’s since had fifty injuries to contend with. In the summer, he took one look at the squad and went three at the back. Then he signed ADM and Falcao and went with the diamond before realising we were too soft. We shipped goals until he brought Fellaini and Rooney into midfield. Then we looked solid – but struggled to create chances. RVP’s utter isolation in the second half against Chelsea and at City was so…well so un-United. So he went back to a 3-4-3 that was designed to bring the best out of Rooney and his strikers. The result has been some turgid away performances, relative solidity at the back but a continual starvation of our front two who have to contend with neck high balls from Jonny Evans left foot. It’s not pretty. LVG is right to shore us up at the back before even trying to play football. But he still can’t be happy with the squad. Expect significant activity in the summer window (in and out) as he seeks to redress the balance. It’s the only way to turn a 'difficult situation' into a ‘fantastic’ one.

10. “The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it.”

Jordan Belfort

Injuries, injuries, injuries – they’ve all got an injury. So Kenneth Williams might scream if he were in charge of Manchester United. The running total of 50+ injuries is quite honestly ridiculous. There comes a point where you have to stop blaming luck and start blaming yourself. The three centre backs are so injury prone you can tell by the weather when they’re going to pick up an injury. Rafael….well all I’ll say about Rafael is he’s no longer the most injury prone player at the club. That’s Luke Shaw. Congratulations son. It’s so frustrating it’s almost funny. But there is an end in sight. Ashley Young is now the only player in the treatment room having picked up a hamstring injury at Stoke. No injuries means no excuses. It’s time to deliver.

11. Was Ryan Giggs – winger not whinger

When Adnan Januzaj was handed the number 11 shirt a new age of wide players was heralded at Old Trafford. A few weeks later Angel Di Maria joined the party, destined for greatness in the number seven shirt. United were going wide once more. After years of watching Valencia and Nani whither and die before our eyes, and Ashley Young prove that you don’t need to have pace or skill to be an international winger, it seemed the renaissance was here. Of course, Adnan could never be expected to play every game, but between the two of them we’d be covered. Van Persie and Falcao must have been licking their lips. They’ve probably stopped now. Januzaj has only started four of United’s twenty Premier League games. He’s totaled a mere 435 minutes all season. Di Maria has rarely been deployed out wide (and it should be stated he played more centrally for Madrid in his standout season) as Van Gaal has repeatedly changed formation in search of that elusive balance. The result has been wing-backs and an Indian summer for Young and Valencia. Beating a man is rarely about pure pace. It’s about timing, courage and trickery. It’s a mental battle with the defender. Valencia is one of the quickest and strongest players in the league – yet when was the last time he left a defender for dead? Young has, for the first time, shown a penchant for driving on his left foot. LVG should win manager of the year just for this. It’s transformed Young though he still lacks the genuine pace required to torture a full back. Shaw is quick but as one-footed as Valencia. Unless he develops a trick (ala Evra) he’ll never have the attacking impact that Evra or Irwin once did (Denis Irwin was totally two footed for a start). So where does this leave us? Unless LVG rediscovers his faith in Adnan he has two choices: stick with wing backs or hit the market again. How we miss our Welsh wizard. If only there were another one out there who may currently be unhappy at his club in a far away foreign land…